"I think of people born into this world with such purity and trust that they are thrown from manipulator to manipulator, energy vampire after energy vampire, where the only remedy to their suffering seems to require them becoming quite literally the opposite of who they are… and I wonder about the intentions of a Creator/life planner who thought that would be a fun test."
Well, you have just described my entire life...from birth. And yes, I'm not the person I was, and never will be again. I miss me.
"punch himself in the head as hard as he can whenever he gets frustrated — bang, bang, and again BANG, BANG —"
For me, I wanted to die. It wasn't looking for attention ; with one exception, it was always when I was home alone. Hmmm...I just realized it started when I was 14, after my parents started going away for weekends & leaving me locked out in the street. They started this after my middle sister moved to the college dorm. The weekend after, continued every week for months, until a neighbor told them saw "someone" climbing in through a window.
The one time in front of witnesses was when someone just missed hitting me in the parking lot at work. The poor man went from laughing at the near miss to holding me, crying, "no no no" while "Iet me die, let me die, let me die."
It took until my 60s to realize it happened when, from exhaustion, frustration, isolation, whatever, I desperately needed nurturing. And that was what I got whenever I expressed that need -- belted across the face. My earliest childhood memory age 3.
So now, when I feel that impulse, I consciously choose not to yield, but instead put myself to bed, wrapped in warm blanket, maybe with a hot chocolate, & self-soothe into a nap.
You are very brave. When people talk about the Human Spirit being an amazing and strong and eternal thing, they are thinking about you and others who have survived Hell. My spirit sends your spirit some Love. I don't know exactly what that means.
This was a tough read to wake up to in the morning. But reality checks are necessary. Sometimes I really do believe that love is the only answer. Not in a spiritual bypassing sort of way, but just that if we expand to include all, our adventure here in this physical form will be a lot more enjoyable. Perhaps this is the next cycle of evolution and we are at the tail end of necessary suffering. I don’t know. Now I feel like I’m rambling. You’re giving me some things to chew on this morning.
Am I weird? Those 4 lines are more or less perfect. I live that life. Yet I feel compassion for those who CHOSE not to. Since "time" is non-existent or eternal, (take your pick) there is no need to remain saddened by others self imposed misfortunes. We are all One on individual trips of Perspective.
We are indeed, and our time in this world is fleeting within the overall picture I agree. Nonetheless, our experience here is real, and while we are here we meet the world where it is. Our world is full of the illusion of choice: politics being the obvious example, but certainly not limited. Much of what holds us back individually is regret and overthinking due to this illusion: "what if I just did that thing differently" when you probably had no such choice. What can we choose? Surely our emotions, or the way we honour them as real -- good and bad, positive and negative -- perhaps then transmuting the negatives emotions into something that serves us and those around us.
I've often felt that I have no right to complain or that my "story" isn't "so bad"...
It's one thing to imagine what it's like for someone like Mary, whose story is truly hellish, and we haven't even begun to really hear what that was like. My story is not nearly so extreme, and is nearly entirely non-physical. And I think about how others have come through far, far worse beginnings and how broken they must be, inside. And how beginnings never really seem to end, so many times, how they create scars and wounds that don't heal, and memories that don't fade, and people who are not whole.
And I wonder, too, about a Creator's intentions... or if that Creator even has any "hand" in what we go through... And how ironic it is that we have this incredibly beautiful planet to live upon, and so many of us can barely perceive that because we are wrapped up in such ugliness of existence that it seems to matter not one bit. The torture of self-doubt, self-hate, self-punishment is learned, is it not? I know it can be "un-learned," but do we ever actually graduate from that school?
"They" say that we choose the life we are going to live, before we're born, for the lessons and experiences we want to learn. It makes me wonder what previous lives were like that we wanted to learn these things, this time through.
"I think of people born into this world with such purity and trust that they are thrown from manipulator to manipulator, energy vampire after energy vampire, where the only remedy to their suffering seems to require them becoming quite literally the opposite of who they are… and I wonder about the intentions of a Creator/life planner who thought that would be a fun test."
Well, you have just described my entire life...from birth. And yes, I'm not the person I was, and never will be again. I miss me.
Well done on getting this far, if nothing else. And thank you for sharing 🙏🏻
You are not alone in that, Bandit.
I think it was Oscar Wilde who said something along the lines of we live our entire lives by the time we're 21. Everything after that is just re-runs.
I wish this didn't effect so many people. It's nice to have people that understand, but why you understand is totally heartbreaking.
😏 No wonder I watch reruns all the time.
Hugging you, my friend. It resonates for me, too.
Thank-you for the hugs! I'm not surprised it fits you, too.
Surely lots and lots of us... xo
Sadly. Lots of love and hugs to you! And all the other abused-- physically, verbally, mentally--former little kids here with us on Substack.
Right back atcha, Sweet Pal.
WE SHALL PREVAIL, in every way. This is why Punk Rock was invented... ;)
Waaah HOO!
🤔 Yep. I can see that.
"punch himself in the head as hard as he can whenever he gets frustrated — bang, bang, and again BANG, BANG —"
For me, I wanted to die. It wasn't looking for attention ; with one exception, it was always when I was home alone. Hmmm...I just realized it started when I was 14, after my parents started going away for weekends & leaving me locked out in the street. They started this after my middle sister moved to the college dorm. The weekend after, continued every week for months, until a neighbor told them saw "someone" climbing in through a window.
The one time in front of witnesses was when someone just missed hitting me in the parking lot at work. The poor man went from laughing at the near miss to holding me, crying, "no no no" while "Iet me die, let me die, let me die."
It took until my 60s to realize it happened when, from exhaustion, frustration, isolation, whatever, I desperately needed nurturing. And that was what I got whenever I expressed that need -- belted across the face. My earliest childhood memory age 3.
So now, when I feel that impulse, I consciously choose not to yield, but instead put myself to bed, wrapped in warm blanket, maybe with a hot chocolate, & self-soothe into a nap.
Wow. I hope this wasn't too hard for you to read. Thankyou for sharing that (Mary?) ❤️
No, not at all. It was a relief because so much of your post resonates. What is hard is to stop, lol.
I grew up in a nice house in an upper middle class neighborhood with drs, lawyers & executives for neighbors.
Yet even small fragments of my life story have left grown men, even from the Philly ghettos, in tears.
You are very brave. When people talk about the Human Spirit being an amazing and strong and eternal thing, they are thinking about you and others who have survived Hell. My spirit sends your spirit some Love. I don't know exactly what that means.
This was a tough read to wake up to in the morning. But reality checks are necessary. Sometimes I really do believe that love is the only answer. Not in a spiritual bypassing sort of way, but just that if we expand to include all, our adventure here in this physical form will be a lot more enjoyable. Perhaps this is the next cycle of evolution and we are at the tail end of necessary suffering. I don’t know. Now I feel like I’m rambling. You’re giving me some things to chew on this morning.
Indeed, to that last line...
Am I weird? Those 4 lines are more or less perfect. I live that life. Yet I feel compassion for those who CHOSE not to. Since "time" is non-existent or eternal, (take your pick) there is no need to remain saddened by others self imposed misfortunes. We are all One on individual trips of Perspective.
We are indeed, and our time in this world is fleeting within the overall picture I agree. Nonetheless, our experience here is real, and while we are here we meet the world where it is. Our world is full of the illusion of choice: politics being the obvious example, but certainly not limited. Much of what holds us back individually is regret and overthinking due to this illusion: "what if I just did that thing differently" when you probably had no such choice. What can we choose? Surely our emotions, or the way we honour them as real -- good and bad, positive and negative -- perhaps then transmuting the negatives emotions into something that serves us and those around us.
I've often felt that I have no right to complain or that my "story" isn't "so bad"...
It's one thing to imagine what it's like for someone like Mary, whose story is truly hellish, and we haven't even begun to really hear what that was like. My story is not nearly so extreme, and is nearly entirely non-physical. And I think about how others have come through far, far worse beginnings and how broken they must be, inside. And how beginnings never really seem to end, so many times, how they create scars and wounds that don't heal, and memories that don't fade, and people who are not whole.
And I wonder, too, about a Creator's intentions... or if that Creator even has any "hand" in what we go through... And how ironic it is that we have this incredibly beautiful planet to live upon, and so many of us can barely perceive that because we are wrapped up in such ugliness of existence that it seems to matter not one bit. The torture of self-doubt, self-hate, self-punishment is learned, is it not? I know it can be "un-learned," but do we ever actually graduate from that school?
"They" say that we choose the life we are going to live, before we're born, for the lessons and experiences we want to learn. It makes me wonder what previous lives were like that we wanted to learn these things, this time through.