When April Falls, Don't Be Fooled
Introducing a New (and Urgent (AND CHEAP)) Wholesome Astrology Reading.
How was your Mars-Pluto Valentine’s Day?
If you answered “Not as bad as someone in Rafah or Kansas City!” then congratulations: you are successfully harnessing the type of Plutonic Levity necessary for navigating our current Apocalyptic-inflicted times.
Yes: while not quite reaching October 7 levels of Unearthed Rage and Compulsive Aggression, our follow-up encounter between the God of War and the Lord of the Underworld came somewhat close to earning the Three Apocalypse-Enabling Red Flags I assigned it in our official Wholesomely Conspiratorial Astrological Sunrise Superb Owl SwiftieBowl Preview.
Much conspiratorial hubbub has already been circulated concerning the seemingly scripted nature of the main Bread and Circus event itself (see also: Simulation Theory so hot right now). Most people are missing the bigger conspiratorial picture, which (it goes without saying) inevitably brings us back to the wildly-accelerating-whilst-veering Orange Moonchild timeline trajectory.
Here is an actual headline from the aftermath of the 2022 Owl ritual, which concluded with Aaron Donald from the Los Angeles Rams doing a number on Bengals Quarterback Joe Burrows (respect to a Fellow Digger).
In 2023, the Kansas City Chiefs TRIUMPHED GLORIOUSLY over the Philadelphia Eagles, the latter PATHETIC LOSER franchise also being the Designated Sportsball Franchise of Resident-in-Chief Sleepy/Creepy Joe Bidan.
Niceee. Is there a way we can even tenuously link the Chiefs back to the Sniffer-in-Chief’s Designated Political Nemesis?
Further confirmation of the Moonchild’s Imminent and Fated Ascension (potential Donnie Darko Tragic Ending Timeline notwithstanding) to Supreme Leader of the Realm (and quite possibly whatever is on the other side of the Ice Wall) came this year: not just thanks to the 333 encoded final Overtime play that ensured the SwiftieBowl would end up in the correct hands again, but with a gratuitous piece of Spicy Numerology hidden in plain sight:
The Coders of our Simulation (see also: God (hopefully)) can get a bad wrap, it’s true: what with the astonishing levels of human violence and depravity they appear to have given the all-clear to. Nonetheless, they/them really outdid themselves with that prank.
Anyway, regardless of whether that was reaching too far or not: the point is that the Astrology has proven itself, again. Back-to-back Mars-Pluto direct hits leave us absolutely behooved to take potential Apocalypse-Enabling Red Flag Events seriously.
WHICH BRINGS US TO APRIL AND THE GREAT AMERICAN MOONCHILD ECLIPSE.
The final (not counting the extensive Appendices) section of my Wholistic Birth Chart Reading is a spicy and empowering Archetypal Forecast for your upcoming Transits. It includes specific Archetypal Breakdowns of where and how the April 8 Total Solar Eclipse falls within your chart, along with the much more promising and only vaguely Apocalypse-Enabling Jupiter-Uranus Conjunction on April 20.
For example, if we return — not a moment too soon — to the Moonchild: we can get some grasp on the personal themes that are likely to manifest in his life around April 8 through the location of the Eclipse in his chart.
If I were the Orange Moonchild’s personal Astrologer (God-willing one day), I would be obliged to tell him that your personal experience of this Eclipse is likely to come with difficulties: difficult things are typically what we group into the 8th house — the Dark Night of the Soul stage of the Life Cycle — after all. In fact, as you can see illustrated within the stark visual picture that is the Moonchild’s Eclipse chart, it is almost as if there were an arrow directing us towards that 8th House Eclipse Stellium, with it forming Aspects to all of his Natal placements.
I would tell him to be ready for potential reckonings with Mortality, to expect significant events involving Other People’s Money (which i’m assuming means I will soon be getting my 2020 winnings), and to be prepared to utilise 8th House energy for the purposes for which it is designed: Personal Transformation and Healing.
Further in fact, I would be further obliged to tell him that this Eclipse may be experienced as not just as difficult but also traumatic. This is a Chiron-themed Eclipse after all, with the Wounded Healer Comet exactly Conjunct the Sun as it is being Eclipsed by the Moon. In a long term sense, this offers the promise of individual and collective healing — short term, this healing process will likely need to be initiated through the unearthing of collective and individual trauma. It also just so happens that this Chiron Eclipse is Opposite to two Degrees the Moonchild’s Natal Chiron: tucked away next to Jupiter in the 2nd House, and fully explaining why the real Donald Trump attempts to fill his deepest wounds with the excessive accumulation of wealth and material comforts.
For a silver lining — and the Skyclock never fails to provide the silver lining — I would then point him to the location of the Jupiter Uranus Conjunction, occurring in his 9th House: reassuring him that whatever Dark Night of the Soul he has been fated to walk through as April Falls, it will be followed by a Sudden and Profound experience of Spiritual Enlightenment and Understanding.
This is a very quick demonstration of what your far more comprehensive and personalised preparatory report will provide. That said, it is still a quick and dirty job compared to the Full Wombat that is the Wholistic Birth Chart Reading — my Jupiterian 2nd House Optimism is expecting to have an increasing number of these to do as April Falls looms larger, so there is less room for creative flare and provocative detours. Nonetheless, here is your April Falls in your Birth Chart shopping list:
Your full Wholistic Birth Chart, including your Planets in Aspect and in their Houses — along with their Tropical, True Sidereal and Lunar Mansion (Nakshatra) placements;
A 1 Page summary of your Wholesome Celestial Archetypes;
An Archetypal Retrospective of your Transits since 2019;
Archetypal Previews for both the Total Lunar Eclipse and Jupiter-Uranus, including Wholesome Keyword Combinations for you to hold front-of-consciousness if we were to descend into full Revelations;
A brief look at your major Transits in the second half of the decade, including the mid-2025 Saturn-Neptune showdown.
Wholesomely Provocatively 3-line summaries of the Archetypal expressions of every Planet in every House, as a tool for doing your own Transit Readings.
AND THE CHERRY ON TOP:
A narrated screen recording of your Animated Chart, as we move through your Major Transits from 2019 to April 2024 and beyond:
You are, it goes without saying, more than welcome to go the Full Wombat: which essentially includes everything that I currently know about Astrology that I think you should know to understand your own Astrology; find glowing (and in no way coerced) reviews in the comments on the article below. If you would like the April Falls Special for half the price, you can purchase on my main website.
Awesome! I'm so excited! I really wanted to do a reading but don't have a lot of cash flow. Thank you for doing a sale 😁
I liked your sample video. What a great idea for chart reading!