Down the Wombat Hole: A Vision for Wholesome Conspiracy

My (unsuccessful) entry into the 2021 SBS Emerging Writers Competition; who woulda thought they would have passed on the white cis male conspiracy theorist?

Wholesome conspiracy, you say? 

There are people who would tell you that these two terms are fundamentally opposed: not fit to be in the same sentence, just like the jabbed and un-jabbed will soon not be fit to be in the same room. 

Are you one of those? Then you can stop reading now — this isn’t for you. Because what I propose here is a radical form of unity, of bridge-building, that will make many people uncomfortable. 

You might not agree with exploring conspiracy theories. You might find them and the people to promulgate them an enemy to society. But the reality is they are now a part of life, and becoming increasingly more so. So what do we do?

Do we increasingly shun them, resigning ourselves to a fundamental splitting of society that is appearing increasingly inevitable? Or: do we put the black pill down — along with the blue and red — fight against the darkness, and try for one final Hail Mary to save the sinking ship that is our fractured and polarised society?

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That’s all well and good as a lofty and enlightened vision. But talk is cheap, and we need real and practical action to start the process. 

How do we do this? We need people who can break the conspiracy theorist archetype: that tin-foil-hat-wearing image that is — fairly or unfairly — now entrenched in the collective consciousness. 

And this is where I come in. 

I started out as a bit of a leftie. I liked progressive politics, but more importantly was fascinated by the process of politics, and bought into the story it sold. I was also fresh out of the academic system: an undergraduate in Science and a post-graduate in Humanities under my belt, with the ego to match. 

But academic writing didn’t do it for me. Not enough opportunities for creative narrative structure, creative punctuation… just general creativity. 

So I started writing a blog. I called it Midsplaining. I still think that name is one of the most ingenious things I have ever come up with. 

But only a few people read it. I had bigger plans! So I started writing on Medium: that platform that holds a stubbornly unique role in the writing landscape. I dreamt of making money on Medium! But who didn’t when they first started. 

I wrote about my academic studies. But I also wrote about religion. I wrote about music; I even edited a music publication. I wrote what I considered to be biting satire. I wrote poetry! (Well, ‘poetry’ perhaps). Most enjoyably, I wrote about life, about faith, about my new post-academic career in Disability Support Work. 

But then I got into conspiracies, and that meant I had to start writing about conspiracies, consequences be damned. Any self-respecting writer would do exactly the same thing.  

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What happened then? Well, my account got suspended. It still is.

Why? Who knows. There is no accountability required for private companies to de-platform users, we all know that. So it is what it is. A logical consequence of writing about Orange Man and election fraud (but not in the right way); against the jibby jab and for alternate Covid treatments; of trolling in the comments sections. 

It was worth it — and I’d do it the same again — because I was writing about what I believed at the time.

 I had a handful of loyal readers: writers more established on the platform than I was, who I also followed and appreciated. I know I changed people’s minds, opened them up to new possibilities of the human experience, which is the ultimate goal of the writer. 

But clearly my approach needed some moderation. There is always a lesson to be learned, regardless of how much you are wallowing in injustice.  

And so I have been building my way back (better?) since then, trying to find a niche that is true to my values and beliefs, and that could maybe even make me a bit of coin on the side. 

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So here we are, back at the idea of Wholesome Conspiracy. 

My goal as a writer is to bridge the gap between perhaps the most divisive of (artificial) divides in our society: between the conspiracy nuts and the normies. After all, don't both sides agree that a group of elite white mostly-male psychopaths appear to be calling the shots in the world?

The possibilities for common ground under this approach seem endless. Can we, for example, find new, more inclusive perspectives on otherwise off-limits conspiracy theories if we look at them from the angle of racial politics? Can we find unity around the concept of religion if we look at it as the greatest conspiracy in history?

More fundamentally however: wholesome conspiracy is also a refutation of the most toxic ideological extremes of both sides. 

On one hand: the smug, condescending, and fundamentally anti-intellectual assumption that to question the motives and actions of those who make the decisions at the top of the world is an irrational act. To still shy away from this reality — to resort to wilfully naivety — all the while previously assumed liberties and rights are stripped from democratic countries like never before… well, it is inexcusable.

On the other hand: the brash, abrasive, disparaging language employed by many in the conspiracy community; the looseness with facts; the religious undertones that readily and often gleefully dismiss certain sections of society to moral inferiority. It is time to put an end to the caricature that anyone investigating this world is destined to spiral out of control into a world of paranoia, extremism and nihilism. Perhaps even an approach that redeems that ‘conspirituality’ slur. 

In other words: wholesome conspiracy. 

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Not convinced yet? Let me add the finishing touches. Or, more specifically, let me add the wombats.

We all know about rabbit holes: the popular-cultural artefact, born from the exploits of Alice, now come to represent descent into subjects perhaps best left in peace. 

Well, true to this new Wholesome Conspiracy paradigm, we need to leave the rabbit hole behind. It is time to go Down the Wombat Hole. 

Wombats have always been my spirit animal (I have the stuffed wombat collection to prove it). They are solitary creatures, not the best with sharing their space with others. They are most active at night; they feed on the food that others tend to pass up, that is hardest to digest. 

But mainly, they love to dig. Really: it’s what they do, it’s how they are designed. And they do it ferociously and energetically, wholeheartedly.

And then there is wombat holes. What is so special about wombat holes? 

Well, wombat burrows are epic. They might seem simple enough, with often a single entrance, but they can branch out into numerous interlinked tunnels, stretching up to 200 metres in length. 

This is the model for what I want to do. To take a subject that seems simple enough on the surface, but to burrow in deep to find the interconnected system that lies underneath. Because everything is connected, if only you dig deep enough. 

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Ok, one more thing.

In the summer of 2019/20 in Australia, we had catastrophic fires across vast swathes of the country. It was devastating. But out of the many stories that emerged from the devastation was this: numerous animal and insect species were finding shelter, escaping otherwise certain death, in the burrows of wombats. 

No, contrary to some reports: wombats were not actively herding other animals into their burrows. Wombats didn’t suddenly change their inherent nature. But they did what needed to be done. It was a necessary sacrifice, to give their gift to those in need.

Am I stretching the analogy too far here? Well, in my own world, I would keep this stuff to myself. Simply as something I do to keep my self sane, as my own form of recreation and escapism. It would be easier that way. But that would be selfish, and if there is one thing I have learnt in this world, it is that our ultimate purpose is to be of service to others. And this is a service that the world needs right now — preferably with wombat videos attached. 

And memes: dank, savage wombat memes. I am a conspiracy theorist after all.